Dallas and Javier - A Year Later

I couldn't resist posting this recent still of dad subject Dallas Hayes and his son, Javier. Dallas' wife took the picture while they were all vacationing and it's great to see how much Javier has matured since I filmed him and his dad last year. To learn a little more about Dallas, go here.

New Clip! Fatherhood as Salvation

Sometimes the process of making this film is like a magnet for all things dad. Such is the case with finding Ralph Benitez, a Bronx native, who I happened to come across while on a camping trip at Harriman State Park a few weeks back.

We happened to be washing dishes together at a public sink near our campsites when Ralph spoke of how fatherhood had saved his life. There's so much more to Ralph and his amazing family and filming continues; but here is a brief sampling of what this special dad has to say about first becoming a father. I hope it touches you as deeply as it did me.

More Messages about Dads From Hollywood

The obvious perspective on how the media treats dads is that fathers tend to be portrayed as bunglers or incompetent in their roles. However, what I keep coming upon, which is perhaps even more unhelpful are the stories told about absentee dads being redeemed by (typically) their grown sons. It's a message that keeps popping up again and again.

This entry was sparked by my last night viewing of Wanted in which a son must learn to become an assassin in order to avenge the death of his absentee father, who, unbeknownst to him, was one of the world's deadliest assassins. Sounds kind of like Luke and his dad, doesn't it? Or then there the last two Indiana Jones films. Or the last Die Hard film (okay, it was a daughter in that one.) A son must redeem his absentee father by becoming, in a sense, just like him.

I have to admit to you that I'm one of the biggest geeks when it comes to Star Wars and Indiana Jones, by the way. There's nothing wrong with the message that it's never too late to reconnect with one's kids. I do see the value in this storyline. However, the problem is that more often than not, this is approach so many of Hollywood's stories are taking.

The way I see it, the subtle message here is that it's okay to be an absentee father while one's kid is young because later on, when everyone's older, you can get back in touch, so don't worry about how you don't have time for your kids now.

I suppose the other reason I'm annoyed by this is the experience of recently filming a father who had been heavily into the '70's New York scene of sex, drugs and rock and roll and who found salvation in becoming an involved dad. It's incredibly moving to be interviewing this dad and his family. Literally, fatherhood saved this guy's life. I suppose it might not be as sexy as learning that one's absentee dad was an assassin but let me tell you, listening to this dad talking about his experience will bring tears to your eyes - at least that's what it did for me.

Why We Film

From the start the goal of making this film has been to affect change by educating and inspiring more dads to get involved with their kids. Promoting this idea while the film takes its snail-paced time to get made is something that's always on the back of my mind. Frankly, that's why I put out the teaser trailer (at least) two years before http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifthe film is completed.

I've received numerous compliments on the trailer but one in particular I felt should be shared:

Yesterday, I was contacted by a teacher in Colorado who runs a course promoting fatherhood for convicts who are about to be released. She asked to be able to share the trailer in the class for this reason:

"The fathers really could benefit from watching the “stay at home Dad” in your film. They are pretty hard core and need to see that men can be nurturing to their children."

It's reassuring to know that, with only a few minutes of cut footage, some difference can be made. Thanks for reading.

The Hidden Crisis of America

Thank God we hold Father's Day once a year because if it wasn't on the calendar I don't think at this point there'd be much of an emphasis on dads on any day of the year. Barack Obama's comments about the African American fatherhood crisis is greatly welcome and needed and my hope is that it's not just a one-off for Father's Day but helps enable a larger conversation about a very serious problem our society faces.

It was good to read Bob Hebert's column this morning from the NYTimes that continues the discussion. Here's some of the depressing stats he noted and they're worth repeating here:

"In 2006, for the first time in U.S. history, a majority of all births to women under 30 — 50.4 percent — were out of wedlock. Nearly 80 percent of births among black women were out of wedlock. By comparison, when John F. Kennedy was elected president in 1960, just 6 percent of all births were to unmarried women under 30." (Referenced from the Center for Labor Market Studies at Northeastern University in Boston)

This is a major problem for our country and the world and it needs to become something that's more than just comment for Father's Day but for the rest of the year as well.

Equally Shared Parenting at New York Times

It does the heart good to read Lisa Belkin's well researched NY Times Magazine story about equally shared parenting. Kudos to the Times for putting it out on Father's Day. I know there were a lot of cranky responses to the article - primarily that it somehow took away from Father's Day by diminishing dad's role - but I would say the opposite is true.

In a culture where our mass media more than often focuses on the wrong things, it's good to read something this in depth for a change.

The Potential of Father's Day

Is there some value to Father's Day other than the Hallmark greeting card that it is presently? Is there something more to this day than just buying another tie or another golf shirt for dad?

Right now, the manner that we treat this day is emblematic of the extent to which our culture values fatherhood in general. It's all about buying stuff, isn't it? In a society where dads are primarily valued by the size of their wallet, this makes perfect sense, doesn't it?

It doesn't have to be this way.

There's great benefit in having dads be more involved with their families, for the kids, the dads, the moms and everyone else in between.

So, how can Father's Day be better redefined in this way? If I could wave my magic wand, the day would go beyond gift-buying and celebrations (although nothing wrong with these) and be more about introspection. It would be more of a day of reflection where a father would take the time to ask himself how present and involved he was for his kids and family over the past year. Perhaps he'd ask his wife and kids (assuming they were old enough) about his performance. Maybe he'd talk to his own parents about this. Perhaps he'd reflect on whether he was able to create the best possible family/work balance over the year. He could also refect upon his parenting choices as well.

These are things I'll be thinking about this Father's Day. I think if Father's Day (and Mother's Day, too, for that matter) were treated as more of a day of reflection than just of gift-guying it would give more clarity to our priorities for the rest of the year.