The Evolution of Dad Blog Has Packed and MOVED!

Hey there!

Well, fatherhood is not the only thing evolving over here. This is the last blog in the current format, so to continue reading, go to our NEW BLOG. Please check out our awesome new website as well. See you over yonder!

Dana

Do Not Change That Dial!

Greetings from the editing room! Just a quick note to share that the rough cut of the film is nearing completion. It's been an amazing experience piecing this film together so far and I can't wait to share it with you come Father's Day. So, any lack of activity on this blog for the next short while should only be construed as all my blood, sweat and attention going into making this film all that it should be. Stay tuned!

Good Work By Good Men

The more projects out there that try to get conversations with men (and women) going the better. I recently came across The Good Men Project and their goal is to jumpstart this conversation via a documentary, book and some 'unconventional' conventions. All royalties from the book go to The Big Brothers Big Sisters Association and The Boys and Girls Club. Definitely a project worth checking out, supporting and getting involved with.

You Had To Be There

Admittedly, I'm not a big country music fan, but listening to Tim McGraw's new song about absentee fatherhood really touched me - especially after learning that his biological/absent father was a major league baseball player.



Here are the lyrics:

"You Had To Be There" by Tim McGraw

He sat down, picked up the phone and said Boy, I'm your old man.
He touched the glass between the two, as if to shake his hand
The boy he didn't budge, not even so much as a blink
The man said oh come on, better late than never, don't ya think.

He said I read it in the paper, can't believe you're 21,
I can't believe some son of mine could do the things I hear you've done.
He went on like some big hero, who flew in to save the day
And the boy said if your here, to steer me right, man, its too late

You had to be there, and I'm talkin from from day one.
Thats the only time a man should talk through glass to his new son
And you'd have to go back, and teach me how when i was nine
Cause my mama couldn't throw a ball even if she had the time.
I should have been learning how to fish, instead of learning how to smoke.
I bet if you'd of whoopped my tail, i'd never thought it was a joke
He said sometimes the will for doing wrong is way too strong for any mama's prayers
You had to be there.

The man said, boy I'm sorry that you hate me like you do
The boy said dry it up man, we ain't making this about you.
Its about a teenage girl against the world who was left there high and dry
About a kid who might have stood a whole lot better shot at life, but
You Had To Be There
And I'm talking from day one,

Thats the only time a man should talk through glass to his new son
You'd have to go back and teach me how when I was nine
Cause my mama couldn't throw a ball even if she had the time.
I should have been learning how to fish, instead of learning how to smoke
I bet if you'd of whooped my tail I'd never thought it was a joke
Sometimes the will for doing wrong is way too strong for any mama's prayer
You had to be there.

Before the boy hung up the phone, he said they say me I'm out of time
And it hit the man, right there and then
My god son, so am I

NYTimes Article: Parents Working Together

Check out this NYTimes article about the barriers dads face in terms of becoming more involved and how important it is for parents to not only work together but to respect their different parenting approaches. It's more evidence that people really need to be educated about how to work these things out.

For Charlie, On Your Sixth B-day

Dear Charlie,

Your mother and I can’t believe that yet another year in your life has passed and you are now the amazing age of six! Every time your birthday rolls by I can’t help but think back on that moment, not so long ago, that you arrived. You were so little that you couldn’t even cry yet. All you could emit was a tiny little squeak. But from the moment you came into our arms, we have loved you and will always love you.

I really marvel at all of the new things you are capable of doing and experiencing. You make your bed and dress yourself every morning. You can write your own name. You know how to swim in the deep end of the pool and traverse underwater like a frog. I was so proud of you on our camping trip when we trekked for three hours over a giant mountain. Last week, when I got to watch you in action at school, I was so impressed by your prowess with building blocks. You definitely have a creative bent as well as an engineer’s mind. I wonder whether you will end up going to MIT like your grandpa and your uncle. I know Nani and Papa wouldn’t mind as that would put you closer to them. But let’s not rush things. There’s still so much time before such things, still so many things to do and learn and share.

I’m so happy that you now have a wonderful teacher who can appreciate all of your strengths and your individuality. You are a very lucky boy to have her in charge of you this year and I only wish I had a teacher like her when I was in Kindergarten.

Charlie, it’s so exciting for me to see you growing up as you are and to be able to walk alongside you as you take more steps into the world. It is not only a joy but a life affirming privilege. Your mother and I are so proud of you and always remember that we will always love you – no matter what.

Happy 6^th Birthday, son!

Love,

Daddy

What Is That?

Check out this short film from Greece about fatherhood. It's very touching and something all of us parents should remember when our kids ask us the same question over and over and over. (Thank you, Betsy, for bringing this to my attention.)

The Dividends of Dad

This morning I helped chaperone Charlie's Kindergarten class' trip to a local farm. It was the first time Charlie had ever been on a school bus. At the farm we went on a hayride with the final destination being a giant pumpkin patch. After selecting pumpkins, we all munched on fresh donuts and cider. Then it started to rain, so we all hopped back on the bus and back to the school.

Back in Charlie's classroom, his teacher informed all of us chaperones that we could take our kids home, but Charlie insisted on sticking around until the official time to leave. So, there I was, the only parent in the classroom, with a front row seat of my son making a city out of wood blocks with his classmates. Getting a glimpse of Charlie in Kindergarten like this made me feel as lucky as if I had a backstage pass to a Springsteen concert. It was one of those moments that, as a father, was just pure, unadulterated joy; and it's moments like these that make being involved with my sons the greatest investment of my time. Thank you for this morning, Charlie. I love you.

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Progress Update

If you've been wondering why this blog has been a little more sporadic of late, the reason is purely that all of our energy and time is going into getting this film completed. It's that mammoth an undertaking. Right now we are in the editing phase, with a little more additional filming. Watching the film coming together is a truly remarkable thing to behold and we can't wait to share it with you.

Something else we're very excited about is the upcoming revamp of the main Evolution of Dad site as well as this blog. It's going to be awesome!

Lastly, in the near future we'll be putting up our very first podcast interview an author of special note. This is still in the preliminary phases so I can't say more, but more about this soon as well.

So, thanks for your patience and your interest and looking forward to sharing more from the Evolution!

Pony

If you were around in the early '80's you knew the full impact that Michael Jackson had on the world. I can remember walking down the street in Boston, circa 1984 and witnessing a gang of kids parading about, all wearing the signature silver glove. No artist since the Beatles has had such an influence on so many people.

So, what does this have to do with fatherhood?

Watch the above interview clip between Larry King and Rabbi Schmuley, who was close with Jackson and you'll see why. The fact that Jackson would focus on a childhood memory of his father placing him atop a pony at a carnival as the sole reminder of the love between them is staggering; but even more so, that this need for love from his father drove Jackson to find it from his adoring fans - what a tragedy. If ever there was an iconic example of what can happen to a person when their father is not a source of care and love, Michael Jackson's tragic story is it.

Let's Come Clean About Housework

Okay, time to come clean. When I was filming Dr. Michael Kimmel recently about men and housework, what he said is basically what my wife has been saying for years about me and housework. Guess I'm not alone in this. (Deb, I promise to do better.)

Evolution of Dad on "A Conversation With Men Radio Show"

Last night I had the pleasure of being the guest on a blog talk radio show called "A Conversation With Men" with host Michael Taylor. Click here to listen to the broadcast. Enjoy!

The Evolutionary Paternity Test?

A friend recently asked me if I was aware of a NYTimes article from a few years back that discusses how babies are more likely to resemble their fathers and that this is an 'evolutionary' way of getting dads more connected with their babies. Pretty wild stuff. If you have an opinion about this, please chime in...

The Continuum of Dad

This past weekend Charlie and I went camping up in the Catskills with some family friends. For my son it was a weekend of first times. First time in a canoe. First time sleeping in a tent. First time climbing over a mountain. For me the time we spent together was one long, joyful echo of a camping trip I took with my dad long ago (minus the rain, gratefully) as well as stories he had told me about a boy scout camping trip he had done with his dad years before that.

In the middle of the first night, Charlie awoke to take a pee and I accompanied him out of the tent with a flashlight. Standing there beside him, I couldn't help but think about the true meaning of leaving one's mark on this world, of legacy, of immortality. Like the constellations in the night sky that night, the continuum of time was so incredibly evident to me. I pondered the beginning of the latest Star Trek movie that had James T. Kirk being born at the moment of his father's passing or of a baby Superman being jettisoned from Krypton as his parents perish. I considered how, no matter all the achievements one can do in this world - no matter how much money, power, or monuments a person accrues to be remembered, there is nothing that leaves ones mark or (dare I say) touches immortality as our children, who will (G-d willing) continue beyond our time here.

Like you, I occasionally ponder the meaning of life. I observe how, no matter the success one achieves in life, if a dad (and this doesn't exclude moms, of course) isn't connected with his children - if he doesn't take the time to pass on his values, his dreams, his love and his time, then in some larger way this sense of meaning, of continuum is greatly lessened.

Driving away from our campsite, Charlie chimed in from the backseat, "Daddy, I really love being with you." Thanks, Charlie. Thanks for being my continuum.

Custodial Bias - A Double Edged Sword

One of the things I've been grappling with in the film is to what extent is there bias against dads when it comes to custodial battles. It seems to me a complex picture, having more to do with the prejudices of individual judges, different states and how overloaded the courts are - and there's definitely can be a bias as a result.

But here's a different perspective. A few days ago, the NYtimes published a very intriguing article about a custodial suit involving a military mom and a civilian father. The article focuses on the bias that military moms in particular face when dealing with divorce proceedings:

"Some advocates say an unspoken bias against mothers who leave their young children has heightened both legal barriers and social stigma when these women try to resume their role as active parents," the article shares.

So, there you have it. When a mother puts aside her maternal responsibilities to go and be involved in what is most typically considered the ultimate male pre-occupation and then seeks custodial rights, she is punished in much the same way as would more typically a father who wants equal custodial access with a regular mom.

The sword cuts both ways.

Nozzle Toh-mato Cinderella

My family and I were having dinner tonight and Jamie pointed across the table to the giant bowl of heirloom tomatoes with basil and mozzarella and asked for 'Nozzle Toh-mato Cinderella, please."

We all nearly fell off our chairs in laughter.

Upon thinking about it, "Nozzle To-mato Cinderella" is probably the best way to describe today - a day in which all things old somehow became again. Maybe it was because of the perfect early Fall weather. Maybe it was escorting Charlie up the street to his very first day of Kindergarten. Maybe it was the car ride with my wife this afternoon in which we discussed plans for Charlie's birthday party. Maybe it was flying along the highway with the windows down and the radio blasting John Mellencamp's "Paper In Fire" and remembering doing the exact same thing when I had just turned Seventeen. Maybe it was sharing a pumpkin/peppermint ice cream sundae with Charlie to celebrate his big day. Maybe it was the excitement of editing the "Evolution of Dad" project this afternoon.

Whatever it was, it was a special day. As much as I love the summer, it's great to be back in September, which to me is always the true beginning of the year. Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you are having a Nozzle To-mato Cinderella day - if not now then sometime soon. Peace.

Job Description: Parents

For a hoot and a holler (and maybe even a sob) check out this job description for parents courtesy of DIY Father. Great stuff.

Justin Roberts Rocks!

Thanks to NYC Dads Group for bringing this to my attention:

A Train Makes A Very Good Hat!

This morning, in a moment of sheer brilliance, my younger son, Jamie, decided to 'wear' his electric toy train by turning it on and then placing it on his head. Needless to say, it took about fifteen minutes before I could disengage the locomotive's wheels from my son's springy locks.

At the time, I was so exasperated with both of my sons that I nearly let Jamie wear his new hat for a while. But then I remembered how, as a five-year-old, I came up with the ingenius idea of creating a Spider-Man mask by taking some Wrigley's gum, sticking it atop my hair and then pulling the sticky strands down so to make a gummy web around my head. This was just after my mother had spent an inordinate amount of time blow drying my hair. So, in the great scheme of things, I think Spider-Man beats out Mavis any ole day of the week.

As anyone who has kids probably knows, being a parent can be a truly exhausting experience. The day-in-day-out experience of making sure the kids are properly fed, dressed, behaved, taught important lessons, loved and protected can really wear one down. The amount of gray hairs on my head are certainly a testament to this. But then I remind myself that someday these kids are going to grow up, have their own lives and not need as much attention and I know I'm going to look back on moments like these with a deep fondness. So, thanks for wearing the train hat, Jamie and when your own child comes up with a unique hat to wear, I hope you get as much of a chuckle with it as I did with you today.

Aidan Quinn Joins the Evolution!

Today, I had the great pleasure of interviewing Aidan Quinn for the project. Aidan is the dad of two daughters, the eldest of whom is autistic. Listening to Aidan talk about the challenges and wonders of being a father was very touching.

I have always been a big fan of Aidan's, dating back to the father he played in Avalon. And if you haven't seen this cinematic gem, go rent it immediately. The loving manner that it depicts fathers and sons (as well as grandfathers) will bring you to tears - at least that's what it does for me.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts about fatherhood, Aidan.