The Involved Dad:A Societal Paradox - By Director Dana Glazer

Yesterday we went out and filmed some on-the-street interviews around town, asking people how they see the role of fathers. Initially, the responses weren't terribly revealing as most everyone we spoke with agreed that involved fatherhood is a good thing. I don't think anyone in this day and age can disagree with that - at least not the people I've come across so far. It seems to be a cultural belief that being an involved dad is important. Heck, even MacDonalds has a commercial promoting the idea. Nothing wrong with that!

In the interviews we asked people what they saw the priority was in terms of the most important role of a dad - and they almost unanimously chose involved with kids over financial support.

But now here's the contradiction: when the same people were the asked their attitudes about Stay-At-Home Dads the majority of them viewed this extreme version of the involved dad as unacceptable behavior on a man's part.

"A Stay-At-Home Dad is a man too lazy to work for a living," one woman said after speaking so glowingly about how important an involved dad is.

And herein lies the cultural paradox: we live in a society that espouses the virtue of an involved dad, however, when it comes down to it, the real value our society places on dads is still firmly anchored to the fifties notion of the breadwinner dad.

Now, of course this is all somewhat extreme. Certainly there has been a shift for dads to be more involved with the care of their kids. And certainly there were people we interviewed who were very accepting of Stay-At-Home Dads. It's not like things haven't changed - but they have changed a lot less than we'd like to think.

The paradoxical cultural message we are brought up with is very confusing. There is a bit of confusion at this point especially to what it really means to be an involved dad - and the next time we film on-the-street interviews, my goal is to dig deeper into this.

My wife had an interesting insight into this which I think is worth including. From her perspective where dads are currently is parallel to where moms were in the 80's, trying to navigate between having careers and the home front. The notion of 'quality time' was a fairly constant phrase back then, which emphasized that it wasn't the amount of time one spent with one's children but the quality. Certainly, there's nothing wrong with that idea but my wife saw this socially ingrained phrase (and I'd agree) as a way of justifying more time away from home.

There's a lot of confusion, pressure and guilt around how much time should be spent at work vs at home and the answers are neither simple nor easy - for dads and moms alike. What I do hope to explore in this film are creative solutions that different families and companies have undertaken in terms of flex time, staggered schedules, etc, with the hope that it will open up minds as to how to improve our society or at least creatively navigate a better family/work balance.

Dad the Nurturer - From Deborah, Wife/Huntress to the Director

I never think of myself as the “breadwinner” in the family, although I most definitely consider my husband to be the primary childcare- giver. He is up every morning at 7:00 AM (I’m a crank in the morning), giving bottles, reading stories, changing diapers, fixing breakfast, doing “potty duty”, with little complaint and often quite a lot of laughter from both of my beloved sons.

I love that they are close, and although I am sometimes jealous of the time he spends with them, I realize that having their father around as much as he is may just be the single best thing we do for them in their young lives.

When my first son was born, I made a promise to myself that I would encourage my husband’s involvement. So I tried very, very hard not to interfere in his parenting; after all, who was I to be in charge? We were both completely new at this. Still, this was incredibly hard for me as I am extremely controlling by nature. I knew, however, that if I kept insisting that things be done “a certain way,” he would become discouraged and not feel that he could be so involved. Of course, he was nervous (so was I: neither of us had ever changed a diaper in our lives) but he was also pro-active, asking the neo-natal nurse to show him how to change the baby, to feed it and burp it. He watched the baby nurse clean the baby for a week, then insisted she let him do it, while she watched and directed, so he would learn to it properly.

My husband, it turns out, learns best with a “hands on” approach, and he learns well. In fact, he is five times the “baby bather” that I am (although I am twice as fast at a diaper change.) And it was this act of bathing our son every morning that led to all the morning rituals after, to hundreds of stories being read while milk was sipped and my son was snuggled in his father’s arms. It led to mornings of “tickle time” (rougher play, perhaps, than mine but my son never laughed louder) and couch forts, of peanut butter toast and building cardboard mansions; magical mornings that are now shared by my infant son who looks on and laughs at their antics with surprise and delight. Someday, soon, he will join them, and I know, as I lay in bed, supposedly sleeping in, that I will hear the sound of their laughter for years to come.

So although society may have some issues with the idea of leaving dads in charge, I know the truth is my children will never be in more capable hands then with their hands-on Dad.

Mom the Huntress

Family/Film Balance - from Director Dana Glazer

The weather was perfect, the crew assembled, the stars seemingly in alignment for filming on-the-street interviews today. But then...the fateful call from our sitter. She had food poisoning and wasn't going to be able to make it. Given my wife's strained back there was no other option but to postpone filming.

Such is the nature of shooting a film about involved fatherhood while being an involved father. Sometimes it's an integrated affair and sometimes.... Filmmaking, by its nature, is an all consuming affair. The good news is that there couldn't be a more integrative project than this one, but reality sometimes butts heads with one's desire to be productive.

This was a point of frustration this morning but then I reflected on one of the major themes of the film: that our culture is too geared toward maximizing production and efficiency to the detriment of dads (as well as the rest of the family.)

Wasn't my frustration just another manifestation of this?

The answer lies somewhere in figuring out a balance between family and work - one of the toughest things to do. Certainly, my intention is to get this film done as effectively and quickly as I can - but not when it's to the detriment of family. So, filming will wait. My elder son and I will go out to the park where he will dance through the sprinklers with the world's largest smile; and at the end of the day, isn't that what this film is truly about anyway?

Visiting "Fatherneed" - From Director Dana Glazer

I've been reading Dr. Kyle Pruett's "Fatherneed" this weekend and what an incredible book. It really covers the gamut of fatherhood experience in ways that only a book can. Honestly, I've felt a bit humbled as Dr. Pruett has made such strives in articulating the benefits of involved fatherhood in this book - and then I consider that the book has been out of print for a while. What a travesty! It's not that old a book and what it discusses is more relevant now than ever before. Is it that people don't like to read books about dads? Certainly, if you go to Barnes and Nobles you won't find much in the child care/family section that relates specifically to dads. At least that was my experience. I'm assuming that if dad-related books were flying off the shelves there'd be more available. This thought of course leads to the question: are people going to want to watch a movie about dads? And then I consider how the Father's Day video just reached 400,000 views on YouTube this weekend and keeps growing. The amount of times people have shared that they cried in response to the video is overwhelming for me personally and only further commits my every waking moment to making a film worthy of the American Dad. But in the meantime, if you want to read a great book about involved dads, go find a used copy of "Fatherneed" or order one from Dr. Pruett (as I did) and please tell him that I sent you!

I Cringed Too - From Marketing Associate Jonathan Trenn

When I saw the pillow get tossed at the little boy, I cringed too. Couldn't help it. Toss was a bit too fast for my liking and the pillow didn't seem all that soft.

Then the little boy chuckled. He loved it. Because he knew the toss was a sign of love from his dad.

I don't think it's necessarily strictly a sign of the difference between moms and dads. I'd bet a lot of dads would cringe for that first second. Maybe more dads than moms would have noticed the child's reaction and saw he enjoyed it.

MORE PILLOW TALK - From Associate Producer Tracy Russell

Ah, yes the infamous pillow shot. I must confess that I too am in the "moms who cringed when the dad throws the pillow at his kid," group. And, I too have been thinking about that basic truth: that men and women are different, so it follows that; of course, fathers and mothers will parent differently. In their traditional gender roles, fathers hunted, built and sought,outside the home, the necessities for family survival; while mothers kept the home and nurtured the children in its protected environment. As the children grew, the sons accompanied dad on his excursions and learned his role and the skills necessary to perform it; and the daughters remained on the home front with mom and learned her role and the skills necessary to perform it. Some would say boys and girls have a natural inclination towards the skills associated with their gender roles. I think there is definitely a truth in the relationship between these roles and biology- the family benefits from father going out in the world and utilizing his greater physical strength to hunt and build; the family benefits from mother remaining in the home and feeding the baby with milk created by her body. The Hunter. The Nurturer. Some version of these roles has been in place since the beginning. Am I suggesting that fathers are not capable of nurturing and mothers are not able to care for their families with achievements outside of the home-of course not. I know many nurturing, emotionally available fathers and I am one of many mothers; who, on a daily basis ventures out into the world for family's sake. Yes, I am oversimplifying a very complex issue, but it looks to me like our society continues to have more trust in dad as hunter and mom as nurturer and it seems to relate to a very old, very deep, fear for survival.

I am beginning to see these basic truths (men and women are different; hence parent differently and society has not quite adjusted to the idea of dad as nurturer, mom as huntress,) in relationship to the custodial issues in our country that Dana, Camila, myself and others on our team are unearthing during the course of our research. As a society, we do not yet trust dads to take care of their children, in the same way, years ago we were very uncomfortable with the idea of moms working outside of the home. The custodial bias that stems from this fear is sure to subside more and more over time, because, to echo Dana's prior blog, people are evolving. People are opening up to the masculine and feminine that co-exists within themselves. Dad the nurturer and Mom the huntress doesn't so much speak of role-swapping, as allowing an (often hidden) part of oneself to come forth. My hope with this movie, is that we will give credence to Dad the nurturer, who is arising and will no longer keep quiet and at the same time give sufficient attention to how dads do parent differently than moms. And that is okay. It is more than okay, as stay-at-home dad Dallas (or perhaps Stuart Smiley) would say "It's good enough."

There is no stopping this evolution. And who wouldn't want that? Because it is a progression towards wholeness. For ourselves and our children.

People Who Live In Glass Houses Should Throw Pillows - From Director Dana Glazer

My mother called me the other day to share that she had watched the “Stay-At-Home Dad – Redefined” segment, which I recently posted.

“I loved it, Dana, but there was one part which really made me cringe.”
“What was that, mom?”
“Where the dad throws the pillow at his kid. I cringed.
“Mom, it was a pillow.”
“I know, but it still bothered me.”

We got off the phone soon after and for a split second I became rather worried about it. Would other people react the same way? I mean, this was my mom – the one who usually gives glowing reports. I mentioned the conversation to my wife and she shared a similar feeling. My sister-in-law had reacted to it as well.

And then it dawned on me: this brief, three second shot was the line-crossing distinction between the way most moms and dads typically handle their kids. The dads and men I’ve shown the clip typically chuckled at the pillow toss. It goes along with wrestling on the carpet, tossing the kid in the pool, carrying the kid through the air like a fighter plane around the house....

Do most moms do this? I’m sure some do as much as I’m sure some dad out there is going to watch that pillow hitting the boy and cringe – and not only is that fine by me, but it’s part of the point of the film. We’re in a time right now where women are doing men’s things and men are doing women’s things. The old rules no longer apply. There is an openness in the air about how to live, affected by changes in technology, economics and social movements. The evolution of dad, mom, family, society – it’s all connected. The key is becoming more open minded to new models and respecting differences of approach, if they’re beneficial – and especially if they involve pillows.