Justin Roberts Rocks!

Thanks to NYC Dads Group for bringing this to my attention:

A Train Makes A Very Good Hat!

This morning, in a moment of sheer brilliance, my younger son, Jamie, decided to 'wear' his electric toy train by turning it on and then placing it on his head. Needless to say, it took about fifteen minutes before I could disengage the locomotive's wheels from my son's springy locks.

At the time, I was so exasperated with both of my sons that I nearly let Jamie wear his new hat for a while. But then I remembered how, as a five-year-old, I came up with the ingenius idea of creating a Spider-Man mask by taking some Wrigley's gum, sticking it atop my hair and then pulling the sticky strands down so to make a gummy web around my head. This was just after my mother had spent an inordinate amount of time blow drying my hair. So, in the great scheme of things, I think Spider-Man beats out Mavis any ole day of the week.

As anyone who has kids probably knows, being a parent can be a truly exhausting experience. The day-in-day-out experience of making sure the kids are properly fed, dressed, behaved, taught important lessons, loved and protected can really wear one down. The amount of gray hairs on my head are certainly a testament to this. But then I remind myself that someday these kids are going to grow up, have their own lives and not need as much attention and I know I'm going to look back on moments like these with a deep fondness. So, thanks for wearing the train hat, Jamie and when your own child comes up with a unique hat to wear, I hope you get as much of a chuckle with it as I did with you today.

Aidan Quinn Joins the Evolution!

Today, I had the great pleasure of interviewing Aidan Quinn for the project. Aidan is the dad of two daughters, the eldest of whom is autistic. Listening to Aidan talk about the challenges and wonders of being a father was very touching.

I have always been a big fan of Aidan's, dating back to the father he played in Avalon. And if you haven't seen this cinematic gem, go rent it immediately. The loving manner that it depicts fathers and sons (as well as grandfathers) will bring you to tears - at least that's what it does for me.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts about fatherhood, Aidan.

Kramer vs. Kramer: 30 Years Later

I can't recall another film that nailed a moment in our culture better than Kramer vs. Kramer did back in 1979. I can remember my parents coming back from a matinee screening of that film and talking at length about how they felt about it. Mind you, divorce wasn't (thank God) an issue in my household, but the movie really stirred things up - just as it did for so many others across the world. What kind of mother was Meryl Streep's character to have left her husband and son like she did? What would happen to this little boy who would be brought up primarily by a dad? Is the legal system this biased against dads?

Thirty years later the veracity of this film strikes me without any depleted impact. Minus the people smoking in offices, the dated clothing and a scene having no doubt been shot from an office in one of the twin towers, not much seems to have changed from when this landmark film arrived. The struggle of work/family balance, the reasons for many-a-divorce, the bias of many judges in the courts, even the basic identity of what it means to be a man - all remain to a great extent still unchanged to this day. Yes, there have certainly been strides towards more gender equality, flexible work schedules and an increase in dads staying at home, but at the end of the day, we as dads still remain in a period of confusion, caught between the cultural ideals of what it means to be an 'involved father' and the realities that determine how involved we can truly be at this point.

Still, there's hope, just as there is hope for Dustin Hoffman's character at the end of the film. There is the possibility of change, the opportunity for things to keep getting better. The evolution is slow, yet inevitable. I can only wonder how my boys will perceive Kramer vs. Kramer when they watch it in their adult years. Hopefully, things will be improved enough for them to chuckle at not only the workers smoking in their offices but about how the role of dad was perceived back when.

(Below is an interview excerpt by Dr. Michael Kimmel on the topic)

Star Wars Under The Stars With Charlie

Okay, I have something to admit. I'm a Star Wars junkie. Have been this way since the age of seven, when my dad first took me to see the original film. The first three movies still hold a lot of magic for me. So, now that my son, Charlie, is nearly six, I have been fairly excited about sharing the original movie with him.

First, we listened to NPR's radio dramatization of the film. By the way, it's great for longer car rides and it's really first rate, with many of the actors reprising their roles. Charlie was fairly enamored by the radio version, so I felt he wouldn't freak out too much watching the actual movie. He's still pretty sensitive when it comes to seeing movies and gets really nervous when characters find themselves in peril.

I was going to play the movie for Charlie in our basement, but then decided to make it a little more special. So, this past Thursday night we invited all of our neighbors into our backyard for a screening of Star Wars under the stars. Everyone brought their lawn chairs. One neighbor (an at-home dad) built the movie screen. Others brought candy. The lightning bugs were out and the air was electric with excitement. I sat close to my son as we watched the film. For me, it was more interesting watching my son's reaction to the movie than the movie itself at this point.

Watching the Star Wars films has always been a bonding experience between my father and I and now, to share it with my own son, is one of the more meaningful things we've done lately and something that I think will linger in Charlie's memory for many years to come. I know it will linger in mine.

Mommy and Me

Over the past year I've taking my younger son, Jamie, to the local Jewish community center for a 'Mommy and Me' class. Being the only dad present has never troubled me. Everyone is friendly and respectful. Sure, the moms feel more comfortable with asking each other out for lunch, etc, but what's important is that my son have the benefit of the class.

As for the name of the group, I have shared my preference for altering it. Why not change it to 'Parent and Me' or 'Toddler and Me' - something a little more inclusive. The response was that adjusting it from the generic 'Mommy and Me' confused people as to what the class was about as it's such an ingrained term. While I didn't agree with this, making waves in an otherwise friendly environment didn't seem appropriate. I don't consider myself to be a militant dad, just one who would like to see things be more equitable and inclusive from all sides of the parental spectrum.

This morning, however, something interesting happened. At morning snack, the teacher brought up, specifically for my attention, an article that had just come out in the local paper about another 'Mommy and Me' class in the area. When a dad, who had a day off from work, arrived to this other class with his excited daughter and wife, the teacher brazenly informed them that the dad would need to leave as this was a mom's only class and the 'daddy and me' class was on Saturdays. He was asked to wait at a nearby coffee shop until the class's conclusion, which he did. His wife was so upset by this that she wrote the editorial letter (unfortunately, the paper's link does not work.)

Anyway, the teacher of my son's class asked how I felt about being there and I reassured her that, while I would prefer a different title to the class, it wasn't really a problem for me.

After the class had ended, the woman who runs the whole nursery school program approached me as well. She was greatly irked by this article as well and it had made her aware of how exclusive the 'Mommy and Me' moniker really is. So, now it's going to be changed.

What I get from all of this is the extent to which things really do not change unless someone decides to take a stand. Too often dads (and moms, too) just continue in lock-step when moments like these arise. One can only imagine how many other dads have been discouraged away from this other 'Mommy and Me' class and things like this will keep happening until people make a fuss. If change is going to happen quicker regarding the way dads are treated at work and elsewhere, they are going to need to step up to the plate and demand it. Otherwise, dads can continue keep going lock-step to the coffee shop when it comes to getting connected with their family.

Pondering Utopia

Try reading Jeremy Adam Smith's brilliant The Daddy Shift and then watching Dances With Wolves in the same week. It's a weird, yet wondrous mixture of media.

Near the end of Jeremy's book, he contemplates the possibility of a utopian world where families are more involved and integrated, where there is a deeper connective tissue between work and family and community and the planet.

And then there's Dances With Wolves, a film that in my mind exalts all the very same ideas, but through the lens of a white man becoming integrated into a peaceful American indian tribe that roams the plains. A tribe that promotes friendship, spirituality, family, community and love. When I first watched the movie upon its release, I felt the desire as the credits rolled to literally go and touch the screen, I wanted to be a part of this imagined world so badly.

If only these utopian visions were true, I often lament. At the end of Costner's film, the destruction of such a way of life is imminent, which makes me yearn for it all the more. And yet, was it just an impossible dream? An imagined mirage that really has no place in our world? The child in me strives to believe that's not so, but the adult me knows better.

And yet a utopian ideal has some worth, not necessarily as an expectation of destination but as a compass to point us at least in the right direction. So, bringing it back to fatherhood, will we ever reach a point where fathers have a true family/work balance, where we live in a society that values people over money, where there is a deeper connective tissue between all of us? I hope so, but at the very least, there is a direction to head towards in the foggy journey. Thanks Jeremy and Kevin for the reminder.